I Can’t Stay Pure Forever

Author: Hibiki Aida

“Judith, I wish to end our engagement. I assume you know why.”

Ah, so the day has finally come.

　

I had known it would. Still, my chest felt as if it were being squeezed tight, and my breathing grew shallow.

He wouldn’t carelessly throw away the trust and affection we had cultivated over the years…… I wanted to believe that.

　

Without a hint of concern for my state of mind, Prince Arnold continued to speak loudly, as if to assert that his point of view was righteous.

It’s just us and our close aides here, so who exactly are you trying to make sure hears?

“I feel sorry for you, my fiancée of so many years. But as royalty, I must marry a saint. Therefore, I cannot marry you, as you have lost your sacred power.”

“I understand. I was prepared for the fact that once I lost my powers as a saint, I would no longer be qualified to be His Highness’s spouse.”

“I knew you would understand. I am entering into a new engagement with Lady Sophia Leitz, daughter of the Viscount. This matter has already received His Majesty the King’s approval.”

Hiding my turbulent emotions behind a mask of ladylike composure, I returned a smile to His Highness Arnold.

　

If he had already made such thorough preparations…

No matter how I responded here, the outcome was already decided.

Yet he still went out of his way to feign respect for my wishes—because he wanted proof of my consent. He likely wants to present this as an amicable dissolution of the engagement reached by mutual consent—in other words, he wants to prove that he himself is not in the wrong.

You are, after all, someone who insists on doing what is “right”.

This country has Lavigataism, the religion of worshipping the goddess Lavigata, as its state religion. Lavigata is the goddess of purity and love. In short, her teachings are: “Be pure and righteous, and you shall receive the Goddess’ grace.”

As a symbol of the goddess’s grace, girls endowed with sacred power are occasionally born in this country. Therefore, every girl, whether noble or commoner, must be baptized at the temple upon turning ten and have her sacred power measured. Those whose power exceeds the standard threshold are certified as saints and obligated to serve in the temple.

That said, the duties of a saint are not particularly demanding.

During the war-torn period of the nation’s founding, the saints reportedly traveled throughout the land to maintain the protective barriers guarding the borders and to heal the wounded. However, now that peace has been established, there is no longer any need for that.

Rather than relying on the saints to maintain the barriers—which would be inefficient—trained orders of knights are stationed along the borders. Additionally, thanks to advances in medical technology and physician education, there is no longer a need for saints to travel long distances to provide treatment.

Therefore, our duties as saints are limited to offering prayers at religious ceremonies and performing minor healings during public healing sessions.

Ultimately, we saints are nothing more than figureheads designed to garner the people’s faith.

　

And the royal family’s revival of the ancient custom of royalty marrying a saint is probably also part of the performance.

Lavigataism is deeply ingrained among the people of this country, and the saint enjoys enduring popularity.

It’s painfully obvious that by designating me—who possessed the greatest sacred power among the saints—as the prince’s fiancée, they’re trying to regain the support of the people, which has been waning.

Although the duties of a saint aren’t extensive, balancing attendance at the Noble Academy, my training as a future princess, and temple visits was grueling. I was never given time for leisure, and as the prince’s fiancée and a saint, I was constantly in the public eye.

The only reason I was able to endure such a life was… because I adored Prince Arnold.

“I am delighted to have you, a saint, as my fiancée. I may cause you hardship in the future, but I hope that together we can support this country.”

“It is an honor. Though my abilities are limited, I will do my utmost with all my heart and soul.”

“Your abilities are by no means ‘modest.’ I’ve heard of your excellence, Miss Judith. I’m counting on you.”

His Highness, with his gentle smile reflected in his blue eyes, was truly beautiful. I fell in love with him.

Prince Arnold is the second prince, but his mother is the legitimate queen. Many people are pushing for Prince Arnold to become the next king, rather than the first prince born to a concubine.

I know that Prince Arnold has worked diligently since childhood in response to these voices. I also know that he constantly told himself to be righteous and strong.

Because he was that kind of person, I wanted to support him as his fiancée.

　

That resolve crumbled when Lady Sophia Leitz, the daughter of a viscount, enrolled at the Noble Academy.

She possesses a sacred power far surpassing my own. Furthermore, she was endowed with exceptional beauty and a kind-hearted nature that treated everyone with compassion.

　

“That kindness, that purity… Lady Sophia Leitz is truly a saint!”

“Her high sacred power is proof that she is favored by the goddess Lavigata. Lady Sophia might be the reincarnation of the first saint.”

　

It didn’t take long for her to become the object of the students’ unanimous support. I wonder when His Highness Arnold began to mingle among the crowd surrounding Lady Sophia, amid all the praise.

The gentle smile he gave Lady Sophia. And Lady Sophia, too, had gradually begun to let a warmth shine in her eyes.

　

How many times did I want to scream, “Don’t take it! That was my place…!”?

His Highness Arnold could never have imagined that my heart was bleeding as I watched the two of them gaze into each other’s eyes.

　

My sacred power, which had already been on the decline, began to dwindle rapidly around that time.

I struggled to heal even minor injuries, and afterward, I was so exhausted I could barely stand.

　

I panicked. I knew that without my sacred power, I would be of no value to His Highness Arnold.

But no matter how much I prayed to the goddess, it was all in vain. Like a candle on the verge of burning out, my sacred power waned, and finally, it went out completely.

The Goddess Lavigata loves the pure of heart. Surely this is punishment for me, who was consumed by ugly jealousy.

One month after our engagement was dissolved.

The engagement between His Highness Arnold and Lady Sophia was officially announced, and a grand evening ball was held in the royal palace’s great hall.

“Lady Rosenhain, I see you’ve come.”

“Your Highness Arnold, Lady Sophia. I offer my heartfelt congratulations on your engagement.”

　

Lady Sophia, standing close to His Highness, wore a sumptuous pale pink gown that must have been custom-made for this occasion. Her appearance—as pure and beautiful as a spring fairy—captured even my attention, despite being a woman myself.

As I bent my knees to bow, His Highness gestured for me to stop, saying, “There’s no need to be so formal“.

“Have you given any thought to what we discussed the other day?”

“If you’re referring to the engagement proposal with Cornelius, the son of Marquis Besch, my father has already declined on my behalf.”

“Why? The Marquisate of Besch is a prestigious and distinguished family. Cornelius is an outstanding young man—serious and without a single scandalous rumor to his name. I don’t think you could hope for a better match than this.”

His Highness Arnold furrowed his brow, as if he couldn’t accept my answer.

　

Rather, I find it strange that he would even think I’d accept such a proposal.

It is true that Cornelius is a close aide to His Highness and an outstanding young man. I suppose he meant to show his sincerity by introducing a suitable match to a woman(me) he himself had tarnished… but doesn’t he realize this is counterproductive?

The act of handing over his former fiancée to one of his subordinates is tantamount to insulting me and the House of Rosenhain.

“I would like you and Marquis Rosenhain to continue supporting the royal family alongside Cornelius.”

“I am scheduled to be transferred to the temple in the Stolz domain starting next week. I’ve heard that the temple is constantly short-staffed. Even though I have lost my sacred power, I have assisted with temple duties for many years, so I thought there might be ways I could be of use.”

“Stolz? Lady Judith, you need not go out of your way to a remote frontier region so far from the capital…”

“Sophia is right. I believe a talented young woman like you should put your abilities to use in the capital.”

“Margrave Stolz constantly keeps a watchful eye on the border, protecting our country. Working for the people of that domain is, in essence, serving this country as well.”

“However, I’ve heard there are dangerous areas in the Stolz territory where magical beasts roam. Surely the Marquis of Rosenhain would object?”

“My father agrees as well. As for my protection, the Margrave has personally undertaken to ensure my safety, so there’s no need for concern.”

As I answered decisively, His Highness shifted his gaze restlessly. He must be trying to dissuade me, but he can’t seem to find any grounds for objection.

He must have been planning to marry me off to one of his close aides so he could continue to exploit my power—and that of the Marquis of Rosenhain —as he saw fit.

It’s laughably short-sighted.

My father became His Highness Arnold’s backer precisely because of the benefit of becoming related to a potential crown prince. He pulled the rug out from under himself—such selfishness could never be tolerated.

“Lady Judith…! It’s… my fault, isn’t it? I’m the one who drove you to this point.”

Lady Sophia cried out, tears streaming down her face, and His Highness Arnold put his arm around her shoulders as if to comfort her.

　

“It’s not your fault, Lady Sophia.”

“That’s right. Sophia, you are not to blame.”

“But……!”

“It was His Highness Arnold who chose you as his consort. Furthermore, the loss of my sacred power was due to my own shortcomings. I harbor absolutely no resentment towards you, Lady Sophia.”

“Lady Judith…… how magnanimous of you… You were the one truly worthy of being Prince Arnold’s consort.”

Unlike Prince Arnold, who looked down awkwardly, Lady Sophia’s gaze remained steady.

　

Having served alongside her as a saint, I know this: she means every word she says.

Lady Sophia alone did not hesitate to heal poor and shabby commoners, a task that the other saints shunned.

Whenever she heard of miasma in a distant land, she was the first to set out. She even took over my duties at times, knowing that I was busy training to be a princess consort.

　

She is a person of pure and unblemished heart.

That is precisely why everyone is drawn to the light she radiates.

—How can you remain so pure?

The more I come into contact with that crystal-clear heart, the more my own heart becomes stained with something dark and sinister.

If only Lady Sophia were a wicked woman, how much better it would be. If she were, I could hate you without reservation.

　

“Lady Sophia, you are the one truly suited for His Highness Arnold. From that distant frontier, I pray for your happiness.”

I curtsied like a lady and turned my back on them.

　§§§

“Arnold. That girl(Sophia) still hasn’t recovered?”

“Yes. According to the doctor, in addition to fatigue, mental strain may also be a factor.”

Mother frowned and let out a deep sigh.

“As I suspected, a viscount’s daughter like her being the prince’s consort was out of the question. If I had known things would come to this, I would have kept Judith under my control… It’s not too late, though. We must bring her back to the capital.”

“However, Judith… no, Lady Rosenhain is already engaged to Margrave Stolz. I recently received a report that the engagement papers had been submitted to the royal palace.”

“If it’s just an engagement, there’s still time, isn’t there? Before she marries Margrave Stolz, you will take her as your concubine.”

“Margrave Stolz won’t take that lying down. Besides, if the royal family interfered with a noble’s marriage, it would likely provoke opposition from other nobles as well.”

“We can just claim that Judith wanted to end the engagement. Everyone knows she’s long harbored feelings for you. That way, we won’t face any criticism. Agreed? To oust that detestable concubine’s son, we must bring the House of Rosenhain back into our fold at all costs. You are the child of me, the rightful queen. You are the one who should become the next king.”

“Yes……”

Mother is a princess from a neighboring country.

Since I was a child, I’ve been told that it’s only natural for me—who carries the blood of both royal houses—to become the next king, rather than my older brother Dietrich, the son of a concubine. I take pride in the fact that I’ve worked hard and disciplined myself strictly to live up to my mother’s expectations.

I had no complaints about my former fiancée, Judith Rosenhein, the daughter of a marquis.

She was a talented young woman of impeccable status and refinement, as well as a saint possessing great sacred power. Above all, she adored me and supported me wholeheartedly.

I believed there was no young lady more suited to be the next queen. …Until I met Sophia.

　

Amid those whose eyes were filled with greed and whose mouths spewed nothing but flattery, she alone was different. Sophia saw me for who I am, not just as a prince.

This isn’t just true of me. She treats everyone that way. Regardless of a person’s status or appearance, she never changes her attitude—not even toward commoners.

　

My every move is constantly under scrutiny.

The faction supporting my brother Dietrich would pounce on any sign of weakness I showed, seizing the opportunity to attack. The nobles who had been sitting on the fence would rush to my brother’s side, each trying to get there first. That’s why I can’t let my guard down for even a moment.

Amid such restless days, the time I spent with Sophia was my only solace. I found myself wishing more and more that I could stay by her side.

I knew that being drawn to another woman while engaged was considered infidelity. It is not the proper conduct for a prince.

So I sealed away my feelings.

However, events took an unexpected turn.

Judith had lost her sacred power. She had been weakening for a while, but now she could no longer even heal small wounds. Just to be sure, I had her sacred power measured again, but the needle didn’t even budge.

This is the guidance of the goddess Lavigata.

The goddess is telling me that I should make Sophia my consort. I was right all along.

　

I immediately reported this to His Majesty and received approval to end my engagement with Judith and to become engaged to Sophia.

At first, Sophia refused vehemently, saying, “I am not worthy of being a princess. I feel pity for Lady Judith as well.”

If she were any other young lady, she would be overjoyed. Her modesty only deepened my love for Sophia.

“Judith is no longer a saint. It is proper and in accordance with tradition for a member of the royal family to marry you, who possesses the strongest sacred power.”

After persuading her repeatedly, Sophia finally agreed.

Of course, I do feel sorry for Judith.

A young lady who is no longer considered a saint and whose engagement has been broken off would likely have few suitable marriage prospects. At best, she would be a second wife or spend the rest of her life in a convent.

I did not want her—who had served me faithfully for so many years—to suffer such a fate.

So, I arranged for Judith to be engaged to Cornelius, my chief confidant. I thought it was the best possible arrangement, but she refused it and, unbelievably, announced she was going to the Stolz domain.

“My daughter is heartbroken by the sudden cancellation of her engagement. Could you please be understanding of her desire to leave the bustling royal capital?”

　

I had also asked Marquis Rosenheim to try to dissuade his daughter, but with that response, I couldn’t press the matter any further.

Judith has received a thorough education befitting a future princess. She is a highly capable individual, essential for the country.

Even though we are no longer engaged, wouldn’t it be the proper conduct of a noble to serve the royal family alongside Marquis Rosenhain as a vassal?

And yet, to flee the capital on the basis of such personal feelings…….

I thought she was someone capable of distinguishing between public and private matters, but perhaps I misjudged her.

Judith’s departure caused some confusion, but fortunately, I am surrounded by capable aides, so we were able to carry out our official duties without issue shortly thereafter.

Sophia’s education as a princess is progressing smoothly. A hard worker by nature, she originally came from a lower-ranking noble family, yet still achieved top grades at the academy. It might take a little time, but she’ll surely be ready in time for the wedding.

Once Sophia—who, as a Saint, already commands great influence—acquires a proper education, even those who criticized the annulment of her engagement to Judith will surely fall silent.

If that were to happen, my appointment as Crown Prince would be certain. I thought everything was going smoothly……

“Sophia, how are you feeling?”

“I’m so sorry. I’m fine now…… *cough*

Sophia, her face pale, coughed painfully. Despite her claim, she certainly didn’t look fine.

　

“You don’t have to push yourself. Take a rest.”

“But what of my duties as a saint…? My hiatus from my princess training has been so long.”

“Your health comes first right now.”

Although I spoke kind words, inside I was filled with anxiety.

It’s been a month since Sophia fell ill. Not only were there no signs of recovery, but reports indicated that her sacred power was on the decline.

Although the information is currently being kept in confidence, because Sophia has not made any public appearance, the nobles are beginning to grow suspicious. Some even whisper rumors —claiming Sofia couldn’t handle her training as a future princess and ran away.

I’ve heard that members of my brother’s faction are seizing this opportunity to mock me as “a prince lacking foresight who abandoned his guardianship of the Rosenhain family after being ensnared by a lower-ranking noblewoman.”

Just as Mother says, if things continue like this, not only will I never be named heir apparent, but even my own position will be in jeopardy.

“It seems we have no choice but to bring back Marquis Rosenhain’s daughter.”

　

My close aides share Mother’s opinion.

　

“To begin with, the very existence of a connection between the House of Rosenhain and the House of Stolz is problematic in itself.”

“I understand that, but……

　

The House of Rosenhain, possessing vast farmlands and supplying a staggering 30% of the kingdom’s food supply, and the House of Stolz, with its powerful private knight order and solely responsible for the defense of the frontier—if they were to join forces, they could pose a significant threat to the royal family.

　

“To annul an engagement between nobles, my father would need to issue a royal decree. How do we persuade him? Besides, it wouldn’t look good to propose an engagement again to someone whose engagement I’ve already ended.”

That would effectively mean the dissolution of the engagement was a mistake. I would like to avoid any blame on my part.

　

“As Her Majesty suggested, perhaps we should start by winning over Lady Judith? Her fiancé is the ‘Bloodstained Mad Wolf Count’. She herself may not be entirely on board with this engagement.”

“Speaking of Margrave Stolz, it’s said that he cut down members of families who mocked him with a single stroke, then—still clutching his blood-soaked sword—spat out, ‘If anyone else dares defy me, I’ll deal with them myself.’ There’s even a rumor that he eats the flesh of the monsters he’s slain himself.”

“Is that …… really true?

“I suspect there’s quite a bit of exaggeration involved, but in any case, he’s certainly a rough-and-tumble sort. By now, Lady Judith might even be regretting having distanced herself from Your Highness.”

My close aides might be right.

It’s Judith—she used to admire me so much.

Even though it was at her father’s order, she probably isn’t happy about being engaged to such a rough and violent man. If I reach out to her, she might come back to me surprisingly easily.

　

Leaving aside the matter of the concubine for the moment, I decided to send a letter to the frontier detailing my current situation and explaining that I needed her help.

　§§§

“So, what did the letter say? Well, I can pretty much guess.”

I handed the letter that had arrived from the capital to Margrave Werner Stolz.

The letter states that Lady Sophia has fallen ill and requests my help, asking that I return to the capital, even if only until she recovers.

“Hmph. They didn’t bother mentioning anything that might reflect poorly on themselves, did they? Do they think we haven’t received any information about the royal capital?” Werner snorted mockingly.

　

“Honestly, all they want is the guardianship of the Rosenhain family. Prince Arnold’s reputation is only getting worse. It seems they’re really struggling with pressure from the First Prince’s faction.”

“I suspect the Queen is more eager than His Highness.”

“If you were to return to the capital, she’d surely try to keep you there and make you his consort.”

“I suppose so. I’ll send a letter of refusal to His Highness.”

“No, I’ll handle the reply myself. Informing that my wife is with child and therefore cannot travel to the capital.”

I gently stroked my stomach.

Enraged by Prince Arnold’s unilateral cancellation of the engagement, my father decided to distance himself from the royal family and proposed an alliance with Margrave Stolz.

My transfer to the temple in Stolz territory was merely a pretext. Behind the scenes, however, they were pushing forward with my marriage to Werner—the cornerstone of the alliance.

Noble engagements and marriages require registration.

Therefore, to avoid interference from the royal family, we held our wedding ceremony at the temple the day after our engagement.

Even in a hurry, it takes a little over two weeks to travel from the borderlands to the capital. Furthermore, he instructed the messenger to proceed as slowly as possible.

By the time the engagement notice was submitted to the royal family, we were already husband and wife. By now, they might be panicking after seeing the marriage certificate that was submitted later.

　

“Isn’t it about time you got some rest?”

“Yes. I’ll head back to my room once I finish filling out these documents.”

“…… No. You’ve been sitting here all morning. Go back right now.”

　

Werner took the documents from me, summoned a maid, and ordered her to escort me to my room.

　

Although he’s known as “The Bloodstained Mad Wolf Count”, once you actually met him, Werner was a sincere and kind man.

His bloodthirsty nickname likely stemmed from the fact that he personally wielded his sword alongside the knights to vanquish the magical beasts within his domain. Perhaps there was also some envy directed at him for inheriting his title at such a young age.

　

“This is a political marriage. I don’t know if I can ever love you.”

When he said that during our engagement, I couldn’t help but tilt my head in confusion, but……. He continued, “But I promise to cherish you more than anyone else as my wife,” and knelt before me.

Those words were sincere; no matter how busy he was, he makes time to talk with me and thoughtfully asks, “Is there anything troubling you?” or “Is there anything you’d like?”

Thinking I might feel uncomfortable in the main building, where rough-hewn knights from the frontier come and go, he had a new wing built just for me and even had a greenhouse constructed in the garden. When I mentioned that I liked black tea, he immediately had rare tea leaves sent from the capital.

In hindsight, His Highness Arnold used “the righteous path” as an excuse to impose his will. I went along with it, telling myself it was for the sake of the one I loved. But in truth, I found it somewhat suffocating.

I can breathe easily when I’m with Werner. With him, I believe we can become a married couple who respect and cherish one another.

　

It wasn’t intentional, but becoming pregnant at this moment was a stroke of luck.

Now that I’m no longer a virgin, I cannot become a royal consort, but the queen might suggest that I be taken on as an official concubine.

　

I knew this would happen.

That Lady Sophia’s sacred power might also wane.

And then, Prince Arnold, in his predicament, may try to call me back.

When I was engaged to His Highness, I was subjected to the jealousy and envy of other young ladies who were vying for that position.

It was a daily occurrence to receive veiled insults at soirées. Even palace maids harassed me on the young ladies’ behalf.

But I had the protection of the Marquisate. Those who have harassed me have been retaliated against by my father and other members of my family and have disappeared. The Rosenhain family has the power to do that.

However, Lady Sophia, being a viscount’s daughter, is not in the same position.

Now that she is His Highness’s fiancée, she must be subjected to all kinds of harassment. Unfortunately, the Viscount Reitz family lacks the power to protect her.

No matter how kind-hearted Lady Sophia may be, it would be difficult for her to maintain her purity when faced with malice that exceeds her capacity to endure.

Recent research suggests that a certain number of infants possess high levels of sacred power within the country. However, many lose that power as they grow older.

Sacred power dwells in a pure soul.

Children eventually come to realize that the world around them is not all beauty, but is filled with a gray area where good and evil are intertwined. When they become aware of others’ malice—or their own ugliness—and that thin veil of innocence peels away from their hearts— the Goddess’ grace is lost.

No one can remain as pure as an infant forever.

　

Prince Arnold, these are the consequences of your choices.

You abandoned me, cloaking your desires and fickleness in the deception of the “right path,” and became engaged to Lady Sophia.

As a result, Lady Sophia’s sacred power has waned, and the House of Rosenhain has distanced itself from the royal family.

　

His Majesty the King favors his concubine over the arrogant queen, who still acts like a spoiled princess.

The reason he readily agreed when Prince Arnold suggested breaking off our engagement was probably because he was waiting for an opportunity to cut him off.

　

By the time I’ve given birth and am able to move about once more, His Highness Dietrich, the First Prince, will likely have already been formally appointed Crown Prince.

I suppose my heart must be quite tainted, since I find myself rejoicing in Prince Arnold’s downfall.

But I don’t care. I am no longer a saint.

From now on, as the margrave’s wife, I must navigate the treacherous and sinister world of aristocratic society alongside Werner, where all manner of demons and monsters swirl.

A pure heart isn’t necessary.

A brief note:

The reason Judith possessed such strong holy power was that, as the Princess of Rosenhain, she was cherished by her father and clan, and because she adored Arnold with all her heart. However, just as her heart was worn down by repeated harassment and her fiancée’s righteous arguments, Sophia appeared, causing her to lose her composure and sacred power.